Sorry!

OKay so I had a huge break down on Sunday night, which led to a bad Monday...but I had a great Monday night. I am havin trouble doing The Lov Dare. But I am trying my best. I fall in love with my husband more and more as I do this dare. I don't know if that will suck more or not. I am keeping my faith strong. I know the Lord can do anything. Well I will be starting Day 10 tomorrow. I hope all goes well.

Day 6

So what can I say, Im alittle confused about today's dare.  But I have to write a list for myself. where I can improve.....I think. Well my husband called me back yesterday, I got the 3 things that I do wrong/ annoy him.  1. he doesn;t think I care about him.  2. He doesn't like the head games I play. 3. He doesn't think I can forgive him.  Yes I do all these things.  I have been trying to forgive him. I am working on that one. I have always been hurt in realitionships so its harder for me to open up to someone. So I come off cold, and mean. I need to become better at that.  I push people away so I don't apprear to be hurt. I do play head games cause I think its the only way I can really see if  he really loves me or not. I need to study my scriptures more, I need to make time for that. I need to read  more up lifing books. I want to be a better Mother. Cause really that is one of the most importain things. When I was reading my scriptures today  I had the feeling to pray. I did. I have faith that I am on the right path, I know The Lord can do anything I just have to have Faith.  I need to be a better friend to my husband, A better mother. I need to be more patient with my husband. I can't expect more from my husband then I do myself.  I love him and I just want him back.

The Love Dare

have you ever heard of it? Well I got it from the movie Fireproof. Since my husband wants a divorce and I don't, I thought I would  try it. So far Im on day 5 and getting shot down everyday! 35 more days to go. Today's dare is to get my husband to tell me 3 things that annoy him that I do. Since we are not living under the same roof its harder to get him to talk to me. I called him, and im scared to death, to talk to him. All I do is get rejected and im scared that this is going to blow up in my face.  But I have faith that the Lord will provied a way for me and my husband to be happy together.  I have Faith that the Lord will sofen his heart, that he will have a desire to be around me. I am going to try and write about "my love dare" for the day. I'mstill waiting for Con to call me back. I hope he does. I hope we can work this out. That I can let go of my jelousey towards his friends. That I can be the wife and friend to him that he deserves.

My day

Okay so today started out like any other day. With Nik's foot in my face. Then she crawled into my arms and we cuddled. I always say I hate it when she ends up in bed with me. But I secretly love it! I tried to get her to sleep for 30 more minutes. But no luck so I layed in the bed while I watch her get one of her blankets bring it back and want to cuddle with it. Then she went and got another blanket and wanted to cuddle with that one. I got out of bed....it was freezing(14 degrees out!) so I turned the heat on. My dad doesn't believe in Turning the heat on. I warm up a frozen waffle for Nik, she eats it and we split a banana. Nothing good happen today! I talked to Con today, It was hope full today. When I went back to work we had to find a babysitter, well They(a husband and wife) bought Nik to me with bruises on her neck, chest, and leg. With a mark on her back. They tried to tell me it was a rash. I have worked with Handicap kids for over 2 yrs, I know what a rash is and a bruise. Well today was the arraignment. They plead not-guilty. So a pre-trail date is set for the 19th of January. So Jim and I talked about what is going to happen. He doesn't know that I know the date. I had to call the court and find out. So when we talked, we were a team for those few moments. I haven't felt like we have been a team in a while. Like a year or so. But today we were a team for those 5 mintues on the phone. He answered too. He hasn't been answering when I call for the past few days. It was very frustrating. But today I had hope. I love him is that sappy? He hates it when I know things. But what woman doesn't know something. She can feel it in her gut. She just knows. He thinks its me telling him what to do. So maybe I have to keep quiet until it happens. I have to remember that I can't say "told ya so". Cause I do that. Well thats all for today. Nik thinks it fun to go Lolalalala with her her tounge flapping in and out of her mouth. So stinking cute. I think I will have to tape it.

Okay so yes Con and I talked today. I know we are 3,000 miles away but I felt a distance in his voice. It scared me. He is scaring me. I'm LDS and when I got married I got married for eternity. I love him, I always have. I don't want to lose him or my family. Every day I wake up, wishing(praying) that he wants me back. I know I sound like a loser. How do I play hard to get? I never really known. I try everyday to be a good mother, wife, and LDS woman. I have days where I can do one really good. Then I have days where I suck at it all. Or I feel like I did a great job with all of it! Today I think I sucked at it all. I feel like Ive been sucking at it all lately. Maybe tomorrow I can be better.

Part One

Well let me start at the beginning, no not the day I was born. But the Day I met *Connor. We tell people we met while he was cleaning the carpets at the library. Well I was at the library, but I was checking my online dating profile, I got off of work early that day. Connor emailed me, Hewas from NY to and living in UT . I had a feeling to give him my number, I don't just give ut my number Ive only been on 1 other internet date before, and It took me a while to meet that guy. I was so nervous, I was praying the WHOLE drive to Connor's house. I just wanted to have fun that night. I didn't think I would meet "the one" . I was starting to think I would never find someone that would love me. I've never really been beautiful or have a great body. Well in my eyes I never was any of that. I had been working none stop. I worked at a call center from 6a-2p. Then in the afternoon I was watching my room-mates kids (3kids). She would get home about 12a. I wasn't going to church, I was smoking, and drinking at party's. But I always wanted to get married in the temple. Well anyway, I lived about 40 mins from Connor's apartment. The computer didn't load fast enough and I got annoyed so I really didn't even know what he looked like. So I was on a cyber-blind date. I called my younger sister to tell her I had a date with a guy from the Internet, just in case he was a killer or something. I knew the apartment complex he lived in cause I had a friend that lived there. Well someone I hung out with. I don't know if I would say she was a friend. I parked my car and went to his apartment. I couldn't remember his apartment # so I called him....he didn't answer. I went to the apartment I think was his. I aways start to second guess myself. I lean again the wall, I'm just want him to think I'm pretty, and not repulsed. I knock. WOW he's HOT! He was a smile that just melts me, Please think I'm pretty. But I'm not nervous anymore. I'm not shaking, I just feel comfortable with him. We leave to go on our date. He has a good looking look Jeep. I have to climb in...its lifted. think I'm pretty and fun. We talk and laugh. He took me to play mini golf. We talk and laugh some more. I was so comfortable with him. He must like me, I'm having so much fun! Then we go get ice cream at the Malt shoppe. We don't want the date to end so we go back to his place and watch Nepolean Dynamite. We didn't watch it, we talked and flired. Oh I loved it! He took my shoe and won't give it back to me. Well until I kissed him. I didn't kiss him! I think I play hit him to get my shoe back. I left. But I didn't want to. We texted while I drove home. I couldn't wait to see him again. I asked him if he wanted to hang out on Friday, he said No! He did want to take me out on another date. Well flashforward 7 months its our wedding day! I couldn't wait to marry him, I was so excited! Of course I was running late, but so was he. He leaves for Army training the next weekend, and 2 months later he leaves for more training, then off to Iraq. We got married on a beautiful October Saturday. We couldn't ask for better weather. It was warm and sunny! Oh how in love we were. Connor was in Iraq for the first year of our marriage! Oh how hard that was. I stayed close to the Lord, and prayed for us and Connor. Oh we were so happy when he came come home! We got to start our life. We had a cute 2 bedroom apartment. We worked and Connor would sometimes come home for lunch. *Nikki came along 1 year later. We had our ups and downs. We had more downs but we were happy or so I thought. When Nikki was one, we spearated, I moved to NY to live with my mom, and dad. My sister and he husband lived with them too along with there little boy. So thats where I am. In New York with my parents and Nikki.